Maybe it's not so bad. Maybe my fractured heart can still beat for someone else completely different from what I have in mind. The heart can be tricky sometimes. But it's the eyes that captures first and his scent comes after. I could get lost in oblivion just by looking. And how he speaks resembles a lullaby in my ear.

You are tall and slender but I can feel the emerging muscles when you hold me. You hair never falls in place. It gives me the impression that you haven't taken shower for days and yet it still appeals to me. How do you manage to smell good? it lingers longer than it should. Your crooked smile is so inviting. I wonder if you will snap into becoming a werewolf any minute because your beard starts to cover the beautiful outlines of your face. Your lashes needs no threading they are lovely when you blink. You play the piano like all the michaels I know. Your husky voice, your slightly irritating accent I am held like a prisoner of your charm.

You are your own sun, I quote. Warm, and tends to brush off the dark shadows in the day. You don't possess neither cold when I invite you in. And there are certain things that I am able to share only with you. Is this love? I haven't figured out yet. 'Coz the last time I checked I felt like falling from a cliff....

in-love

“Bring on the Shackles, I am your Prisoner"

I don’t know what came over me. There couldn’t be any Romeo throwing pebbles through my window especially at this ungodly hour. No sun just the lights coming from the trucks and the workers disturbing the day before the sun rises. And yet I was hearing some unfathomable noise at the left side of my bed. I was trying to ignore it but then after a few attempts I did surrender. Rain? “This couldn’t be… the large drops of water hitting my window pane” Then I slide my arm and push away the curtain and open the glass just to confirm if my hand will get wet. In great disbelief, it sure did. This time of the year, it was raining. Dad was right, the weather got amnesia.

The night was longer when I finally decided to get up after the rain stopped at what time I have no idea. Yesterday was pure bliss. You have realized you reached nirvana. You have finally reached the state of pure equanimity. No doubt there is really a God. The wound has now become a scar that will fade eventually as time goes by. There is more than what meets the eye. My hand trembles and my heart skipped a bit. What a perfect creature, the image continues to dwell in my mind.

I have never known happiness and eternal joy without pain. The thunder rolls in his deafening silence and kept its secret hidden when it used to haunt me. I learned to get by and got used to seizing the day with more hope. The sun will be up every day. Winter has bid its goodbye. The excitement and the voices I hear could be a great start. “You just know it. They were seventeen and I was twenty-one. His eyes were green too, but the other was sharp and lifeless”.

”I wonder where I will see you again. It has been a year. And yet your slightly irritating accent I still vividly remember “

I curled up like a ball as I waited my phone to ring. Please don’t let the other give me the hint. Again. I don’t like to be rejected and being at the receiving end cuts like a knife between your belly. How many times do I have to mention there isn’t a tad of chance. I am not it. And save the heart for another major surgery for someone else.

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Ninefiftyfour.

I am lost

60s

Inside your head

I've been spending a lot of time reading blogs of different people and hardly ever have the time to update mine. I've recently borrowed a lot of books since I started feeling like I don't have the usual drive to write anymore. That is just BAD. To make matters worse I hardly even touch my books anymore. Sure I get through a few pages and that's it and mostly ends up watching movies online and watching Glee re-runs. The art thing takes a halt as well. What is wrong with me?

Work excites me and the prospect of a new life arriving soon. But coming to an empty home for a while now sometimes gets a little bit lonely. I should not be surprised why my Dad couldn't sleep unless I call. I love my new place but my freaking schedule just doesn't allow me yet to invite some friends over for a bottle of wine and some serious girl-bonding.

My sudden change of lifestyle somehow drifted me away from some chaotic habits and led me to a more positive direction. I got more involved in the church and reaching out, and finally finding my voice and re-establishing a brand new relationship with God. It's almost a year now since my dear Mom passed on. And not a single day passes by without me missing her. It's like everyday is a just another first day of her being away. My faith is my strength and my light. And this awesome level of peace that I finally found is totally non-negotiable. I would not trade it with anything else.

There's these two guys from work who wouldn't give up. Time and time again they will try over and over to win me over even when I made it clear that I am just not interested. But I certainly feel like I want to be in a relationship again. The only thing is, finding the one that is right is really hard work nowadays. Most of the time just because I see it everyday here in Dubai, being in a committed and loving relationship is impossible to find here. I don't know where is. But somehow I started to believe it can still happen. I don't know how but as I told you I am just lifting everything up to Him.

It's officially the longest winter ever. And it's just painful. How many sandstorm do we still have to endure so we can finally have summer? Seriously, this is no fun anymore. I go out wearing cotton dress in the morning and ends up almost frozen at night when I reach home.

March is almost over and April is coming soon.

Can't wait to come home soon. You have no idea how I am feeling.

LOve crap!

nice

Happy Birthday!

He will always be the love of my life. I hope my future-husband will be kind enough to understand my craziness over Tay which sprung since I was 14. You're 29! But damn! You're so hot! wahahahahah!!!!

Dear God,
please
please
please
please send me one of these!!! I mean as my life-partner...
Amen.

Two Bottles of Wine

I am doing great. It comes out naturally I guess. I am a guest-magnet. Wahahahah.

While others battle to get the best out of the BIG fishes , they gladly decided to get lost in my pond. I get rejected like the rest however it gets better after awhile. After a huge tip and a great commission from my Upgrade, Mr. Panama came looking for me before they check out. He came back at 12midnight to give me a present like what he did wasn't enough. I clumsily opened it when I went at the back office and guess what, two bottles of wine! Really sweet of him. Unfortunately I haven't figured out yet how to bring them home. Apparently, in Dubai you can serve a jail term if you get caught parading alcohol without a liquor license. I will be off in two days and I can't wait to share them with a bunch of friends.

I hope I will get more of this with my next destination....

instant pick-me-up!

At Lost for words

Finally, after a long while of such tormenting work hours I have my well-deserved offs.

It was indeed a battle to get myself to sleep for the past six days. I was sure I was too close to losing my mind. I felt like I was absolutely floating in space for lack of rest and having too much caffeine just to keep my eyes open sure did make me look like a zombie. However, looking at the bright side I made of lot of money. Not bad at all. And on top of it all, I got a call from destiny. Perhaps, it's not yet over. I DO belong there. It'll just takes a few more steps and hardwork I know I'll get IT. Anyway. I will update you with the rest soon.

Thank God I am done with night shift for this month.
And a brand new day is about to rise.

I went out today after three hours of sleep for a business meeting. I loved the concept. I hope God will help me make it succeed. I am so new with this thing. But I am a good sales person, so I guess I will start from there. I was hesitant at first to meet up but on second thought I realized I have nothing to lose anyway and besides I really want to start my dream about having my own business.

As much as I want to stay for a while and treat myself to something like a fancy dinner or a new pair of shoes or a new Bestseller my body started giving me the signs that I need to go home instead and sleep early. And on my way to the Cab station , of all people that I will get to see, of all people I least want to get a glimpse of , - I saw a ghost from the past. I immediately intended to look in a different direction so our eyes won't meet. I don't want him to see me. And of course I don't want him to know that I saw him. I just walked away the last time. I had nothing left to say. My heart has been pulverized a hundred times before and I just don't have the strength to have another word-sparring with the person who hurt me the MOST. And honestly it feels like a hundred years ago the last time I heard his voice and like we've been separated with a million mountains and he was the only person I never really get to know. In retrospect he still hunts me when I am alone sitting in my room. Sometimes I miss him. But mostly because I really despise every minute and every second that I wasted trying to make it work. Only God knows if I will ever learn to forgive him or give him even half a second to talk to me. I loved dearly and now my heart just felt like a stone. And certainly I don't like it. I want to be in the arms of someone who deserves me and I want to give another shot to happiness. I believe there's someone for me out there.

Oh well, too much about the heartaches from the past.
Things are different now.

By the way, SANDANCE is tonight!
I checked in SNOW PATROL!!!!! not bad for my last leg for night shift!
Wooohoo!

Thank You Lord!

Quiet the mind. It has taken you somewhere far away from here-REALITY. I know it seems better there but the right time is here and you know you to have pick up the pieces.
There's nothing wrong with you. They can't see something amazing how much more to appreciate it.
The crowd there thickens and you feel like you are not going to make it. But stick by me. Trust me the best days are here.

We Found LOve

I finished five. Hardly ever recall what happened or how I got there. I finished what I had started. First time. I don't drink much since I pass out quickly. So last night was record-breaking. Haha.

We escaped the party early and went to our the usual spot. The weather still gets the better of me. Seriously, the cold is dragging me down down down. It's been like eight months or so the last time I went out for drinks with friends, to get down and just be wasted, to dance and be a fool like I will not wake up tomorrow. I know it's only because the bar is conveniently close to our place why we always end up choosing it instead of somewhere else more chic and not to mention young. We literally felt like we are the only people who don't have that much grey hair, a growing beard and a beer-tummy that's about to explode. The oldies obviously were having a good time watching young booties shakin' all over the place. Of course the Russian market still occupies most of the space. Huge and daring and their famous game-face. I could never compete with that, to stare how they work just amaze me. Easy, relaxed, professional.

My girlfriends were heaven-sent as always. If you want some serious company they will really stick by you even when it means not going to sleep and go straight to work after a wasted night. They are marvelous creatures. By 2, I decided to just sit down and compose my self and hopefully there will be no Rihanna song coming in. We indeed had enough of We found love. And everybody's just feeling every single word of it and just to see how my lovely friends sing and curse and dance is pure entertainment. I loved it.

I woke up with a bad headache and couldn't get back to sleep. I decided to go out and go to Ikea and Home Center for today I had officially GOT my own place. Wohoo!!!

I watched The GOod GUy for the 2nd time. I am feeling blue earlier but now I feel fine. I deserve better. I deserve more.

It was a blessing that I got up early. I saw a sign. Maybe I am not totally headed for another road. It might still beat. Soon.
But for now, I love to watch it from the rear view mirror.