Beach Better Have my Tan!

This when I was successful dragging these two sleepy head to the beach on a Friday morning! 

I wish

The Blame Game

   
   I have to do this quick before the boys wake up.


   I've been struggling lately to get at least 20 minutes of free time just for myself. Sasha has always be an easy loving child, but these past few weeks he's just getting way too much. I mean, this is the period when he is trying to stand up and reach for things and eat them. Did I mention the last time we found him covered in diaper cream? I 'm sure he also ate so much paper and some tiny bits of chewing gum wrappers and just last night I almost catch him peeling off paint in the wall to eat it. Oh man.  So we cannot leave him alone in his play area let alone in the bed. To do chores now is like reaching for the sky. I have to put him in the walker and give him too many interesting stuff to entertain him. Formula milk lid cover, a laddle, silicon baking tins, and paper coin banks and sometimes empty water bottles. You can see how our apartment looks like, as much as I want to make it nice and cozy and adult sophisticated... eeerr... it looks like a kindergarten play room. Oh well. At least we have our own place. At least I can walk around naked if I want to or cook in my underwear and nobody will say something or whatever.

     Spirits. Do you believe in ghosts? I am not sure but I believe in spirits or presence. Not the scary type per se but the kind that can currupt your mind to make you believe in something you really don't have. There's negative and positive. A few weeks back I had received some news from friends about their marital woes. Well, I kinda got affected I took it to heart. Instead of praying about them incessantly I ended up dwelling on them. Believe me, I thought I was getting posessed. I started looking and noticing only the bad stuff in my life, in my husband until I spit fire in every direction I look. I was becoming a monster to my own child and to my husband. I told my cousin about it because I thought I was going to lose my mind. She told me about the spirits. About this thing that can be transmitted to us if we are not careful. I don't know how to clearly put it in words but that's just how I experienced it. If there's negative things around us, but not necessary about us it will become a self-fulfilling prophesy if we dwell on it and focus our energy. I know about these things before but not until I experienced it clearly. I guess it's okay to listen to other's problems as long as we rebuke the spirits that comes from hearing them.

       It's easy to get carried away and take the easy way out when things get a little rusty. It's easy to compare our lives to others when we don't feel satisfied with our own. It's easy to blame our husbands for our discontentment and our unhappiness instead of looking deeper inside ourselves that only God can truly fulfill that void inside us. There's not enough material things or achievements that will make our lives reap its real meaning. So in every thing give thanks. Its only our real relationship with Him that can guarantee us about the happiness and satisfaction we are looking for. 

on Marriage

       It's sad to hear news of breakup spreading like wildfire in Hollywood.  I know that the sacredness of marriage has long been gone in that kind of world but I still hope and believe that it can sustain somehow at least here, in this less extraordinary lives we live. So hearing my friends's breakup stories from one marriage to another made me ponder what is the cause of this outbreak. Last year was like the getting knocked-up season while 2015 is slowly closing on a heavy tone. I cannot help but wallow in deep agony emphatizing her and their children and offering my heart and ears. "Just pray. Just hold on" I keep on telling each of them.

       It's never easy to be in a relationship where you vow to stay for the rest of your life  faithful and loving and all that. That's why it's much easier to just engage in one fleeting relationship to the next. But it gets exhausting, even the fun in there gets boring quickly, at least that's how I see it. With the temptations around and the level of disposability of one person and the lack of guidance for sure it gets so simple now to let go and move on. But God did not create men and women to be like disposable plastic cups. I have no right to judge and certainly I am in no position to convey my opinion on such matters . Marriage is doing great for me but like others we have struggles too.  I am not perfect and so does he. We don't agree on everything. There were days for sure that we get in to each other's nerves and there's a child to take care of. There were lazy days and hormotional days for me. I feel like I am going to explode sometimes but I always try to hold on and keep my cool and consider how much I wanted this to work out and how much I prayed for this man. Instead of putting more fuel to the fire I choose more often to be more mature. I ask God for help more than ever, this is how serious I am. Our world is different now. Evil lurks and sometimes the person next to you is the devil incarnate. Haha. But seriously, nothing worth having comes easy. And nothing prayer can't move.
 

       Staying married is a decision you make everyday. It's not about what's convenient  but moreover it's all about giving and sacrifice and the game of who's having the bigger heart  and sowing happiness by making the other person happy.

      I pray that our partners in life will always be protected and guided by our Heavenly Father when this world is becoming so small for happy couples. Let our hearts not be tempted or tested but remain pure. Let our desires grow fonder only for the person God has chosen for us. Let's put the work and effort and the prayers to water our desire to love that person just as how He loved us.





     

Lost and Found

 Sometimes there were  just days...

 When you question yourself if you're doing enough. Am I doing enough for my child? for my husband? for myself? for others? for God?

    I am guilty of setting the bar so high sometimes. It gets to my skin to the point that I feel  I'm snapping in two. Doubt creeps in. And there, the voice of the enemy starts to penetrate.


   There were days when you get yourself exposed to harsh words that makes you cry so easily. Sometimes I have onion skin. I get way too sensitive. I breakdown in an instant. I don't know how and why, hormones are to blame maybe but I don't like myself when I turn into an instant drama queen. I get too conscious about how I look. I have a habit of comparing myself to others and I'm up to no good doing that. I overanalzye. I try so hard to please sometimes forgetting that life is short and we are fragile beings with one life to live.


   With all these in mind, I feel grateful. I appreciate a lot of things in my life that aren't things per se. But people, circumstances that makes life more interesting, more meaningful. I am much much happier  now than when I have more lucrative things in life like first class travels and rubbing elbows with the rich and famous. Although, I have zero salary for this job of being a full-time mom and a wife I feel significant more than ever, more than all the jobs I had done in my life. This achievement is priceless beyond words.


   I am at peace even when I am insecure and when I feel like I can't compete anymore. I just learned to surrender, to let go. To know that I am human and I am in this journey of becoming the person God wanted me to be. To obey inspite of the sufferings, to relax and enjoy inspite of the long wait. I am patient now. And I am learning to listen more than speak without much thought. I learned humility and simplicity in the most beautiful way. And I feel joy in this place where I am.