Friday, August 21, 2009

I may never say these Again...


Hello Love,

We spent two years together. It was a rollercoaster ride. Damn, I was so inlove with you. But I can tell right now, after introspecting every single thread of our relationship it made me realize I was building my foundation made of sand. The future is so bleak between us. I don't know how you live through each day with the thought of hurting me any time soon when your bride comes. When will you dispose me? How creative can you be just to make the deparure less painful. Why did you let me love you? Why can you just help me find love somewhere?Why is it so hard for me to accept that you will never be mine. Why can't I just stop loving you? Why can't you just leave her. Be mine now. Is that simple.

Thursday, April 30, 2009

like feathers

Slowly I am feeling it, the way everything seems to be fleeting. The way the dark color fades like the echoes of your laugh. I am letting go, surely slowly. Without any trust left everything is downhill from here.


I have to let go.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009


" I just want you to love me...
Is that too much to ask? "

What Nobody knows


Behind every story I told anyone they assumed immediately how bad you treated me. I missed telling them how tight you held my hand and how you embraced me with those arms of yours. I don't want to tell anyone about that. Because maybe my own mind is no longer a reliable source. Sometimes I blow things out of proportion. The little things you did for me I consider them grand. For others they were just petty little things. But for me they meant the world especially coming from you: this person who wouldn't even lift a finger to please me unless I am the last person on Earth you can call.
It used to cut me deeply like a knife. But blood ran out. I no longer feel pain thinking those times you let me down, from all the times you took me for granted, for all the times you slashed me with your cruel words. I became accustomed to all the bullshits. I got used in all the mediocrity, the time wasted waiting before you come home, the lies that you fed my head. It literally turned wasted, my brain.

" I am including you in my plans"
" Really? "
" I am the boss, I can put you in one department. I will not allow that you stay there any longer..."

Promises. Another set of promises.
I know you can push me right out the door in an instant. I don't want to suffer. I am flying in two months time. I don't think I am gonna give you another chance.

Anything At all


I can tell by the tone of your voice,
that this Isn't working out
I can tell by the look in your eyes,
you've made up your mind you haven't got a doubt
I remember when I first saw you,
remember the way I felt
and now your breaking me to pieces,
I don't know how I'll deal with this but
If I... learned anything at all
it was to always be true to yourself
and I know that this isn't the end of it all
and I will fall...
Have you ever watched the shadows,
fly across the midnight sky
you know I used to watch the sunset,
but it seems that I haven't got the time anymore
but if I.... learned anything at all
it was too always be true to yourself
and I know that this is what I can do
and I'm gonna' try...
been thinking for days,
been sleepless for nights but it all came to me,
driving home crying my eyes out
and if I... learned anything at all
it was too never give up
cause I see all my dreams laid out in front of me
and for once it doesn't seem so tough
no, it doesn't seem so tough....
tristan prettyman

Sunday, April 26, 2009

I look for you everywhere


I put on the dress. It fits me perfectly. My skin glows and everything seemed right. But on the way to the bar I felt the hallowness inside my chest. It was you I used to go to clubs with. Now, only single friends. I looked for you everywhere. The slight touch of the stranger who took my number and shook my hand, the bartender who gave me the look of desire, the smell of the French guy dancing with me through the night. It's weird because they didn't feel home at all. It was hard.
You said you're going to call me back. I waited too long 'til I slept. When morning came my eyes just looked puffy and I took the longest bath. How much more damage can you do to me? I need to go get a new life, far from your city, the farthest from you. Assuming your image won't hunt me anymore.

thoughts they linger


I started to feel afraid on how you make me feel. The conversation we had this morning could be the last. You discovered something I tried to hide. Maybe unknowingly I wanted you to know them I was just afraid to bring them up to the surface.
Right now I don't want to entertain such thought that I will not hear your voice again. I know it's all pretend anyway. How much you hurt me and how much more you can hurt me is beyond manageable and incomprehensible. I want to live my life in my own terms not under the circumstances you're giving me. You don't see my value and I guess you never will. I will sleep well tonight inspite of this. I am ready for anything. I don't deserve any pain anymore.

Monday, April 20, 2009

Seventy-two hours



I was battling with my head and my heart. It happens everytime I become my own self. When the other "me" takes a rest. It always makes me feel more real but less human. I used to not feel so much. My head always comes first. Never let my heart to take over. I guess my heart's revenge got to the extreme.

I lay awake staring in the ceiling. My roommate thought I was asleep. But I just couldn't. My lonely heart beats crazily. I wonder what the speed rate was because I felt like it can literally shake my bed like little earthquakes.

I miss my mom. I miss my dad. I lost my face with them. I just couldn't afford to see the disappointment in their eyes now. I know they just want the best for me like good parents always dream for their kids.
Please forgive me. I love you so much. I just fell in love.

It took me three hours before I get lost in my own land and when my alarm clock beeps a sudden rush of blood takes over and then slight headaches starts to appear.

Everyone's getting married here. I can feel more pressure to be with someone. And it's wrong. I don't want to find myself in a situation just for the sake of it and not for the real essence.

So it continued for days. My muscles ache like they weigh a thousand tons of bricks. I decided to intently pray and outline my days. I used to fill them with "work" to improve myself. Right now I am finding a hard time to fill my days with colors. It's pretty lonely here, when mostly the people I care deeply live a hundred and even thousand miles away from me.

I counted sheep until I saw myself in a white dress and my hair turned black then someone came, a disfigured image. Then my heart beats crazily again. Oh boy...

Dear,



I can't see why we can't be together.

Here you go again trying to swim back into my heart. I don't know what the hell is going inside your mind. For almost two years now I cannot just jump right into conclusion about your plans. You are by far the most unpredictable person in this world. And yet, I'm still here holding on to this tiny thread of hope.

I am always looking forward to your calls on your way to work. It's sure piss me a little when you catch me during my sleep. But looking deeper, hey this is the only work you can do for me: to make me feel I still exists and someone still remembers.

I can't see why we can't be together. Why can't you do what they can do to them? like normal lovers do? Why are you making me feel like I don't deserve to be happy? Why can't you just make me feel like what they feel, being pursued, being all catered to like a princess? Why do I always need to beg from you?

I can't see why you cannot love me, the way I deserve to be. Maybe, it was my fault after all. I have loved you too damn much. You don't find me challenging anymore. You don't find me worth the fight at all. Showing you how much you mean to me gave me the worst treatment I could get from someone. I was wrong to assume you can love me back this way.

I can't see why you won't give it a try, my love.
She can cook for you, I know. Because you just won't let me.And besides, you never make me feel wanted or needed. I don't know what void I fill in your soul. Until now you left me clueless.

I can't see why you won't imagine your entire with me.
I feel like I don't really know you. Why can't you just stretch your arms and touch my heart?

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Unstable melody



" what..." I moaned in discomfort. It was so early to be receiving calls.
I checked the clock it was only 8:24.

" hello?"
" hey! are you still sleeping? you're not working in the morning? "
" no, at 3. how are you? why you're up so early? it's friday?"
" I am going to the grocery shop. I just want to say I miss you..."
" I miss you too..."

Then after an hour the helpless device woke me up again. He whispered the lovely things in my ear . I wanted to believe them. Who would not. I wanted to hear them all the time, if only he means them and not only to pass time. He is good at it: Words.

I emailed him before I go to work. His blackberry is a very reliable friend. He can reply in an instant. It was going to be a fine day. Nice start, so maybe.

Then he called again when I was at work. This time I heard him say the most incredible things.

" Do you trust me? "
" yes, of course! why?"
" then do what I say. Just wait 'til I settle everything here then I will help you."
"what? are you sure? "
" Do what I say. We will be together. I am telling you. Just trust me."

I can feel my cheeks hurt when I heard him say he will help me find my place there so we don't have to suffer the distance.

I wanted to believe them. I really want to. But knowing him being hot and cold, I just can't let him have my heart again. I don't want to give my hopes another chance in his hands. Only when I see them perhaps. I've been to hell and back several times because of believing in the beautiful pictures he's painting inside my head. In the end, I'll just suffer alone.

I wonder what made him say those things. What is his agenda this time? To keep us both: the bitch and me? I don't want to entertain the possibility that he could have chosen me, that he could have already realized that inspite of the complexities I deserve to be the one to be kept and loved and cared for for the rest of our lives. And it's too good to be true. Again, knowing him, he can change his heart in an instant. No doubt about that.

Where to find answers?



I slid my way through her room. I was glad she decided to stay with me while the rest went out to take their midnight plunge into the sea. In some strange way, the waters here don't fascinate me as much. But when I saw theirs in his city how I loved to bathe with him. My eyes were swollen and my curly auburn hair went twisted from lying flat in my bed. She was kind enough to console me. Amanda would not understand this time but I needed some company. I really need Angela now. It's amazing how things grew fonder between us when we used to hate each other's guts a year ago.

" hey, what's wrong? you don't look okay..."
" i just don't know what to do this time. I had enough but I couldn't stop".

She pressed me hard and brushed the tears flowing down my cheek. We could only hear our own deep breathing. She spent more than an hour giving me advice. I was intently listening.

I don't have anyone else now. My parents will never understand. Amanda will be close to hitting me if I will tell her the truth. My cousin will spill the beans altogether if she finds out the I cannot seem to kick the addiction altogether.


I am just so desperate to be loved. Somehow Angela is the best person to talk to about these things. She has a bigger heart that everyone else that I know. Although she also told me to let go and give up , but there's something in the way the words came out from her mouth that comforts me that it was indeed okay that I am taking so much time to get real. But it hurts. Because no one seem to give me what I really wanted to hear.

I am living in this secret world. Right now I am a case of a love bipolar. I say things I don't mean. I complain too much. And I talk loud. When he calls I grow silent. Then whispers sweet things like he is the most beautiful, loving and kind-hearted man you will ever meet.

She said that I deserve better. What I did for him nobody can do. That's why everyone's telling me I 'm already mad. I laughed when she said even ten kinds of him will not suffice to the one I truly deserve. " He isn't worth the fight...he's just not".

I got the calm I was longing for. But I took me a hundred turns in my bed before I nestled. Then just when I decided that it's time, something went ringing in my head.

Friday, April 17, 2009

I am no saint, Mom



The cold wind blew right across my face and it made me think of one thing, my childhood summers. I used to spend them in the backyard with my journal as I sat comfortably under the shade of tropical trees. Sunset wind brings cool breeze as my mind wanders.

I don't have much friends living close to me since I go to the other city highschool. Weekends were dull so I spend most of them with the company of my parents. They felt like they know me well since I am visible most of the time. Valentine's day they date me. I don't complain about them being hands on in every thing it's just that I sort of became too dependent on them. I love them no doubt and I owe to them my life and my achievements. Only I hope they can trust me more. Especially in love.

I never had a real boyfriend even in highschool and college. Dad comes to pick me up on play rehearsals even when I started working just to keep me safe. He loves me so much. He will do everything just to drive the bad guys away. And so, no guy ever came too close to me. I was alone. I felt a little empty with my face facing down the pavement whenever some cute guy walks right in the room. I was so self conscious. Until I met Patrick and Craig and the rest of those men who want to take the second base. Unfortunately none of them were successful. Do I have any regrets? No. Anyway it was my choice to remain pure and untouched 'til I fall in love.

I will never forget my first kiss. I called Amanda immediately after I had my first taste. I had a light fever the following day. My body sort of found difficulty adjusting with the sudden rush of happy hormones. It wasn't used to anything too joyful or exciting. But Patrick wasn't the best kisser. It was quite awkward even. Too much of something but lack some connection deep within. It was like kissing yourself in the mirror. Cold and tasteless. Only the thought that some hot british guy lock lips with yours. It never happen again. A few more months after that my friends found him digging someone else's throat in the hotel lobby, some starlet named Vicky with big bumpers and long black hair that shines like velvet and I felt sick whenever their images cross my mind.

And then came Craig. I can consider him a friend I would like to keep forever. He's like a mentor to me. And he made me feel I can get far with what I have. My spontaneity, my naiveness ( in a good way), my innocence and clear mind. He knew I deserve someone who can really love me that no one-night stand could ever be good or advisable to me just to get more to life being the all-goody-goody girl I was known for. We parted ways in good terms. I never heard about him for two years now. I hope he also found love. I wish him the best in everything because he deserves it.

When I gave it I was ready. I think I was already hunting for someone who can be like the "can opener". It wasn't because of peer pressure or anything. I just knew that I have to go to that path of adulthood. I have always been responsible with my actions. My life was all-planned out ever since. Then the unexpected came. He swept me off my feet. I was so in-love that no Magna Cum Laude honors can stop the rush of love in my bloodstream. I thought he loved me too because that's what his beautiful lips tell whenever I ask. I became a different person after the first night. I felt heavy and light at the same time. It was painful and pleasurable. It was an ineffable feeling. It made me feel I was ready to die.

" I am no saint mom. I did things for love. I did some things you will never understand. But please I want you to love me still. Tell Dad, he is still the best man in the whole wide world. Don't cry, I was happy I did it".

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Chances are



I will meet you again and I will spend seven days of love.
And when you realize you cannot stand the thought of your parents looking at me in disdain you will trash me out again. Why can't you fight for me?
Maybe they will approve of her.
Why can't we just be okay?
When others can?
You cannot do anything for me. Then why am I still here?
You don't love me. You pity over me. "Poor thing. Poor soul I tarnished. "
I want to have my life with you. Because once you showed me life can be easy. Now it's difficult again.
I may never see you after this.
I may never believe you again that you can take care of me.
Because as I check my memory bank, you ditched me twice.
You kicked me out after two days.
Then after you missed me for two months you asked me to come and stay for a week.
When I asked for extension , you dragged me out again like a beggar.
I took the next flight out.
You did not even take me to the airport.
You didn't even care.
You just dispose me like shit.
But I am still here.
Begging.
No more dignity.
Chances are, you will never change.
You are what you are.
You don't know my WORTH.
You will never know.
I hope that day will come sooner
when you will understand why you should have loved me.

Memories



We used to spent hours talking on the phone. Then in the middle of the night you will call me because you are already outside my flat. And I could sense your engine just stopped.
We will drive around the bay with our takeaway as we stare in those starry skies. It was cold and you held me near. You brushed my tears when I cry whenever you speak about leaving this place.
You have so many dreams.
It scares me to death I am not part of them.
Or you just might forget about me.
My universe is you.
And I am addicted to it.
I am fresh from rehab.
Oh damn this love!
Now I am going over again our memories, and you're making new with her.
I want to burn her alive. And slash her throat. She stole the time we shoudl have.
or maybe it's you I need to pulverize.
But no, I love you.
And it's mad.
Why can't you just love me?
Shower me your love like before?

Michael



I met so many Michaels in my life. Today at work one michael resurfaced. I haven't seen him in months. I had a little thing in him. Like a highschool crush.
He's fine.
He plays the piano.
He's already stable.
He's funny.
He reads.
He blogs.
He travels.
And he believes in MARRIAGE.
He's a catch.
And today he came to me to say "hi".
It was nice to see him again. I had a thing with Michaels I told you.
This one, mom and dad could approve.
I can blend with this kind of Michael but I don't know if I can love him like I love him.
But I can try.
Just give me time.
Maybe the universe will listen.
Maybe Michael can save me.
Maybe.

Love is reckless

What can you do for me?
I called you again after the fight I had with Mom.
Again, you missed the call. You said the music in the car made you not hear your blackberry shouting "pick it up it's her! "
It took you like an hour before you called back. You said only when you stopped over for gasoline you saw the missed call. I wanted to believe. I tried to sound I bought your lie again, like there's still a reason to believe.
The blocked nostrils made it all obvious that I spent more than an hour sobbing in my bed and you asked why.
I did not say a thing.
You immediately overanalysed.
"You thought I forgot you or what?... oh love please.."
" Sometimes I don't know what to do with you, Just trust me."
I listened intently. There was no woman's voice in the background. Maybe he is just on his way to pick her up from the airport, where she worked. My heart bruised ten-thousand times with this thought. I am taking poison everyday.
" I thought you were with your girlfriend that's why you couldn't pick up"
" She's calling you 4o times per day, remember? "
And then you reassured there was nobody.
When you hung up after our 10-minute conversation as you speed your way to 140 my heart
grew fonder.
I wish you can understand how I feel.
I wish you can see the reason why I cried.
I wish you can love me the way I should be loved.
There are alot of fish in the sea. But it's not the fish that I want, it's you and you are more than the sea to me. But I can't trust you.
What can you do for me?

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

He puffs and puffs and blew me away...



You are the biggest mistake of my life!
You are the most difficult woman I've ever met!
You are the most difficult person to satisfy!
I have no plans to marry you!
What do you know? You don't know anything...

Third degree or more



We met first day of September 2007. But I used to see him in my workplace a few more months earlier. He came to my work to see my collegues. I did not bother. Then that September night I bumped into him in the club. And the rest was history. We were inseperable after that. The cupid's arrow hits a bullseye.

And then after ten months of sweet love his wish came to life, his way to escape from me materialized. He got the job from the other city. Right then I knew all my dreams will shatter into a million little pieces.

After those sweet months that we shared, after putting me in the pedestal then came the worst nightmare of my life. He started acting like a wall. He begun to ignore my phone calls. He just went blind and dead about my existence. And then I perish from Never Land.

I got my first false alarm. I was delayed for three days when he flew back to his country. There was no way that I could reach him. I was lightheaded and my heart feels like it was ready to explode. I sent him ten sms. No response. Until I decided to call him again but it went straight to voicemail. I couldn't be pregnant when the father decided to be dead.


Two days went on without anything from him until one sms came.


"Are you sure? You have to check with the doctor! I will call you later" in which he didn't.


It was way past midnight when he came to his senses to call me.


" We have to do something about it! You cannot keep the baby!"


I froze. I have never imagined myself in this situation. I dreamt about baby showers. I dreamt about my wedding day. This man I thought I knew gave me this picture of a monster ready to attack me.


"Abort the baby? "


Thank God I was not. I got my period that night. I was negative with my First PT. God still listens to a good girl gone bad. No! I am not bad.


How could he just say terminate the pregnancy like there's no other choice? Then I found out the reason why after another year has gone by.



When to stop?



Do you still remember your first love?




I guess mine I could never forget. Except only because it hurts me too damn much.




I can still vividly remember how his face looks when he utter the words,
" Even your husband wouldn't do what I did for you" .



Yeah, because he wouldn't say these things if you were my husband, I just whispered to myself.


I met him in my transit. The agonizing eight hours of waiting I could take but then I surrendered for the second time to his voice pleading, " I want you, I need you. I am so alone here". Even when I know not, because his bitch came back from La-land. He knew when and how to say things that would make me weak. Eventhough I was determined not to see him because that wouldn't fix what he did to me last year, he still got me. Poor little girl again in his claws.


He paid for the visa. He hugged and kissed me in the airport like we have never seen each other over a millenium when in reality we chat almost everyday with webcam. He drove with much ardor as he held my hands tightly, as he caressed my legs and smell my hair. I wanted to be loved so desperately that his lies until now I take.


I spent my remaining six hours under his arms. I love this guy so much I just couldn't resist him. I don't want to sleep. I just want to stare in those lovely eyes that deceive me. I want to pretend that his love is still mine. I don't want my plane to board ever. If only I could freeze time.


I was running around his flat naked. Back to the old days when we were playing like kids. I never felt so comfortable with anyone. I never felt so naked and understood until he came t0 my life. To undress every fiber of my being. I love him so much I decided to be blind about the obvious. After I took my shower I lifted the trash bin to throw some cotton that I used and there I saw them greeting me good morning. The bitch was definitely with him the other night or the night before because he forgot to throw the garbage containing her used pantyliner and cotton pads with make-up all over them. She wears red lipstick. When I left the bathroom he was going over my IPOD, trying to look for something. He asked about the guy I was with in the picture. I laughed hard because he was accusing me of flirting with my own uncle. I rolled my eyes and asked him about the same topic. I said to him the same thing. I can feel that there was a woman here. And he counterattack me with the same phrases that threatens. I don't want to fight. There's no need for that.


He took me to Costa before I board. He wished for me to stay for 3 more days. I said No. My parents are expecting me. I told myself that would be the end of it. I will not call him once I reach home. And so I didn't. But he did.


I am the Liar



We've been on and off again. It happens almost everytime he got enough of me. And then he said something this morning that just hit me. Last night I thought that was the end. I decided to tell him the truth. I decided to let it all hang there again- my love, my undying hope. Why love is just so complicated for me? Why can't I just let go of him? Why can't I just be mad at him like normal people should feel after all what happened.Why can't I just stop loving him like what he did ?




The last thread that could possible bring us back together just broke. I thought I was carrying his child. I was a bit nervous and scared that I was delayed for one week, first time it happened. I took the tests and it fronted both negative but I was still feeling the signs that I could be pregrant. Then bloody Mary came Monday night while I was on duty. I felt relieved and a bit disappointed. God answered my prayer. He knew I deserved better.




I told my parents and my friends I no longer have any form of communication with him. Call me the skinny liar now. I am disgusted with myself whenever I put up with that lie. I know deep inside of me I could not just let him out of my system unless I found someone new.But when?




What do you know about love? I knew my definition already. I crossed borders and lifted mountains after another. I even got to the point of losing myself just to get my love back. And to no avail until my fragile body almost hit rock bottom. Did I regret it? No. But the pain lingers on.




While he doesn't care about my love at all.




He said that I should start sending my CV to his city so we can be together. That's another lie. He mentioned about these companies that are hiring. I know there's no way he could possibly know that. His bitch is doing it already. What am I for? To compete for job vacancy with her? I am not only the mistress here who came first but the wife that I should be but he never consider. Now even in job hunting I have to go against this woman? No way! No! no! no!!!


Saturday, January 17, 2009


So I took the time to have a hard look at my life.

It was another freezing Saturday morning. I barely slept last night. I heard over the news this morning that the snow is getting thicker since last night. No surprise that my feet went numb. I took two cups of coffee while I watched some Anime, kinda reminds me of Japan. I used to come for some Manga action adventures sketch work there but now here I am keeping myself busy teaching yoga every Thursday, working at home to finish my book, and singing in a Karaoke bar every Friday nights. I used to dream of travelling, backpacking across Asia and South America. I'm half century old now, time is passing so fast I wonder if I have enough time to fulfill all my heart's desire.

It's been three years since I moved here. I was thinking to go to New York to pursue my modelling career but it was put on hold when I met this guy way back in College. He was an up and coming Fashion Photographer with whom I fell hopelessly in-love with only to find out that he was married to my agent. I was thinking to just go home when I found it impossible to work with him any longer but I don't want to come back yet, not without the stars in my hands. So here I am with enough money to keep a studio-type apartment with Tinker and some luxuries I receive from my work and from the people who fancy me with much surprise.

I used to dream about a white ball gown and pink peonies for my wedding day. Then go to Rio to visit Christ, the Redeemer after my honeymoon. I want to keep positive it will happen. I want to continue my life with dreams eventhough at this point my heart can barely speak anything nice and pretty and powerful.

I want to give up the search now. But I don't know what is this thing keeping me together.

My first letter.

Dear,

I feel sorry for the days you want to take the nearest exit gate but you were afraid to see me crash and burn. It was alright, I know now what it feels. I had forgiven you for all the hell you gave me. I don't want to know anything about you anymore. So feel free to live your life, no questions asked. If only I had been more sensitive I could have been the one who flew instead. There's no such word to describe what you did to me when you were here. And it seems stupid to still think about it after all these time. I was naive. I was a child. I was so lame. Although I was great, damn I bore you. I can't imagine I am filling in the shoes you had. And honestly it's not the best feeling in the world.

I was agonizing last night not because I miss you or I long for your touch and sweet embrace. But because of the amount of discomfort I provided you with. It took you a gazillion minutes to finally unleash me from the chains. It was like a never-ending charade. I can do better. We can do better. Like a shattered glass that can't be fixed it's better that we just chose this way to end this. I was in rollercoaster ride of emotions and you never cared about it, why should you. When you have nothing for me. That thought used to pulverize my heartand now I am surprised it doesn't sting anymore. I had grown. I am stronger.

Forget everything. Erase me from your memory bank. I will do the same. It's a fair game after all. It was a long drawl, isn't it? Wasted time, indeed is nothing but wasted time.

It's Me.

Monday, January 12, 2009

I painted the room pinkish white. The smell inferiorated my entire self. The day went weary. I know I should have left the house and get some bread and milk and pass by Ted over at Mclarens but my head still hurts despite the aspirin I took a few minutes ago. Rain is coming tonight. Finally after her 45-days annual getaway. I hope she found the so-called peace she's meaning to get. The divorce shook her. But I know she knew that there's no more way to keep the pieces back together. She had the impending dread that it will never work out. I feel sorry for her. She loved him. She did. But sometimes, love isn't enough.

Memories

" Is he still dancing? What is the name of the play again? He's still single... pause Why? "

He was in love with me. Maybe. But he was homosexual. H0w can that be? But he said he loves me, but it was like 10 years ago. Now what.

Rex.

He has this black hair, dark eyes and tiny lips. He was a dancer. He was a stage actor. He was my first kiss. Ah, almost-first kiss. He was my constant partner in school plays. He was a mathematician. He cares about me. And he is in California.

He sent three mails in my inbox. All of them the same. After all of these years he still remembers my birthday. Once in a while he wants to catch up. In every reunion we were both trying to see each other. During my highschool days I had a feeling that if its' not Jacob, it would be Rex I would like to end up with. Amanda always tease me with Rex being in love with me. I always laugh. I always thought it was Carrie.

I want to remember how it was with Rex. I never had a chance to be alone with him. Ever. The only memory that holds best in my mind was the Prom night of the year 2000. He took my hand and danced with me from 2 am to 6am and I won Prom Queen. Ah, he used to come over my boarding school once a week in Freshmen year. Then went silence.

Why am I thinking about Rex now?
I just found it fascinating he sent me emails when I no longer send him any message for the past few years.

Amanda

I met her on the first day of school. I was sitting at the back and the teacher lost her way to the classroom so the entire class was in chaos.
Damn, I smell cigarettes here. And my nose gets itchy now and my head starts to hurt again. well...

She was the first one who started talking to me when her other friends had their eyes fixated on me. As much as I want to be friendly with her I feel so uneasy to be around strangers talking loudly and staring at me like I was being scrutinized in every bit. I have always been the silent type. I prefer to keep myself hidden underneath my long dark hair that smells like lavander. I hated school. I just wanted to go home.
I don't know but there was something special about her. The curly hair perhaps with color of copper and her white skin like baby's. Oh she's so skinny. Like me.

Then she called me last night after more than four years of silence. I wonder why she failed to keep in touch. Her strings of boyfriends must have kept her tremendously busy. She was so delicate like cotton. But she was painfully smart. She asked me if I am by any chance close being a gazillionaire. She took Accountancy in College and she was a scholar. Like me. Oh I missed her. She said she wanted to see me. Well, it's about time that she leaves St. Paul.

She's crazy about getting rich. She dislike working for people. The crazy times we spent hiding in the old dormitory beside the school cafeteria were the ones so hard to forget. We dreamt of marrying millionaires and having our kids playing instruments and put up a rock band. When her father left them I was there to keep her. She had nothing but she never admitted that. No matter how tried she convinced me that her grandmother helps the house to be in order I should have told Mom to let her stay a few more months. To see her cry that night as the rain pours squeezed my heart.

She needs to come here.
Come here Amanda.
What should I write about? I asked myself.
How many dress sizes I dropped in a span of three months? How the weather here seems getting cruel? or the amount of vodka and sleeping pills I consumed when lonely nights get even more hunting. She will not be happy to hear those.

I promised her I will get better. The transition is the best way. I was just caught off guard to had allowed myself to be the victim. And it got too much. I want to be okay. I am certainly on the way to Rehab.

First Day

So, I decided to get back to writing. I had enough coffee for today. The cold spell suddenly vanished, I wonder why. When I crawled back to my bed this morning I knew something was up. It's going to break. The foundation in which I thought was just my frigid hallucinations.
I had never written a single word to her since I moved here. I thought I will be fine with it. Then I felt empty. I have to go back.