So I took the time to have a hard look at my life.

It was another freezing Saturday morning. I barely slept last night. I heard over the news this morning that the snow is getting thicker since last night. No surprise that my feet went numb. I took two cups of coffee while I watched some Anime, kinda reminds me of Japan. I used to come for some Manga action adventures sketch work there but now here I am keeping myself busy teaching yoga every Thursday, working at home to finish my book, and singing in a Karaoke bar every Friday nights. I used to dream of travelling, backpacking across Asia and South America. I'm half century old now, time is passing so fast I wonder if I have enough time to fulfill all my heart's desire.

It's been three years since I moved here. I was thinking to go to New York to pursue my modelling career but it was put on hold when I met this guy way back in College. He was an up and coming Fashion Photographer with whom I fell hopelessly in-love with only to find out that he was married to my agent. I was thinking to just go home when I found it impossible to work with him any longer but I don't want to come back yet, not without the stars in my hands. So here I am with enough money to keep a studio-type apartment with Tinker and some luxuries I receive from my work and from the people who fancy me with much surprise.

I used to dream about a white ball gown and pink peonies for my wedding day. Then go to Rio to visit Christ, the Redeemer after my honeymoon. I want to keep positive it will happen. I want to continue my life with dreams eventhough at this point my heart can barely speak anything nice and pretty and powerful.

I want to give up the search now. But I don't know what is this thing keeping me together.

My first letter.

Dear,

I feel sorry for the days you want to take the nearest exit gate but you were afraid to see me crash and burn. It was alright, I know now what it feels. I had forgiven you for all the hell you gave me. I don't want to know anything about you anymore. So feel free to live your life, no questions asked. If only I had been more sensitive I could have been the one who flew instead. There's no such word to describe what you did to me when you were here. And it seems stupid to still think about it after all these time. I was naive. I was a child. I was so lame. Although I was great, damn I bore you. I can't imagine I am filling in the shoes you had. And honestly it's not the best feeling in the world.

I was agonizing last night not because I miss you or I long for your touch and sweet embrace. But because of the amount of discomfort I provided you with. It took you a gazillion minutes to finally unleash me from the chains. It was like a never-ending charade. I can do better. We can do better. Like a shattered glass that can't be fixed it's better that we just chose this way to end this. I was in rollercoaster ride of emotions and you never cared about it, why should you. When you have nothing for me. That thought used to pulverize my heartand now I am surprised it doesn't sting anymore. I had grown. I am stronger.

Forget everything. Erase me from your memory bank. I will do the same. It's a fair game after all. It was a long drawl, isn't it? Wasted time, indeed is nothing but wasted time.

It's Me.

I painted the room pinkish white. The smell inferiorated my entire self. The day went weary. I know I should have left the house and get some bread and milk and pass by Ted over at Mclarens but my head still hurts despite the aspirin I took a few minutes ago. Rain is coming tonight. Finally after her 45-days annual getaway. I hope she found the so-called peace she's meaning to get. The divorce shook her. But I know she knew that there's no more way to keep the pieces back together. She had the impending dread that it will never work out. I feel sorry for her. She loved him. She did. But sometimes, love isn't enough.

Memories

" Is he still dancing? What is the name of the play again? He's still single... pause Why? "

He was in love with me. Maybe. But he was homosexual. H0w can that be? But he said he loves me, but it was like 10 years ago. Now what.

Rex.

He has this black hair, dark eyes and tiny lips. He was a dancer. He was a stage actor. He was my first kiss. Ah, almost-first kiss. He was my constant partner in school plays. He was a mathematician. He cares about me. And he is in California.

He sent three mails in my inbox. All of them the same. After all of these years he still remembers my birthday. Once in a while he wants to catch up. In every reunion we were both trying to see each other. During my highschool days I had a feeling that if its' not Jacob, it would be Rex I would like to end up with. Amanda always tease me with Rex being in love with me. I always laugh. I always thought it was Carrie.

I want to remember how it was with Rex. I never had a chance to be alone with him. Ever. The only memory that holds best in my mind was the Prom night of the year 2000. He took my hand and danced with me from 2 am to 6am and I won Prom Queen. Ah, he used to come over my boarding school once a week in Freshmen year. Then went silence.

Why am I thinking about Rex now?
I just found it fascinating he sent me emails when I no longer send him any message for the past few years.

Amanda

I met her on the first day of school. I was sitting at the back and the teacher lost her way to the classroom so the entire class was in chaos.
Damn, I smell cigarettes here. And my nose gets itchy now and my head starts to hurt again. well...

She was the first one who started talking to me when her other friends had their eyes fixated on me. As much as I want to be friendly with her I feel so uneasy to be around strangers talking loudly and staring at me like I was being scrutinized in every bit. I have always been the silent type. I prefer to keep myself hidden underneath my long dark hair that smells like lavander. I hated school. I just wanted to go home.
I don't know but there was something special about her. The curly hair perhaps with color of copper and her white skin like baby's. Oh she's so skinny. Like me.

Then she called me last night after more than four years of silence. I wonder why she failed to keep in touch. Her strings of boyfriends must have kept her tremendously busy. She was so delicate like cotton. But she was painfully smart. She asked me if I am by any chance close being a gazillionaire. She took Accountancy in College and she was a scholar. Like me. Oh I missed her. She said she wanted to see me. Well, it's about time that she leaves St. Paul.

She's crazy about getting rich. She dislike working for people. The crazy times we spent hiding in the old dormitory beside the school cafeteria were the ones so hard to forget. We dreamt of marrying millionaires and having our kids playing instruments and put up a rock band. When her father left them I was there to keep her. She had nothing but she never admitted that. No matter how tried she convinced me that her grandmother helps the house to be in order I should have told Mom to let her stay a few more months. To see her cry that night as the rain pours squeezed my heart.

She needs to come here.
Come here Amanda.

What should I write about? I asked myself.
How many dress sizes I dropped in a span of three months? How the weather here seems getting cruel? or the amount of vodka and sleeping pills I consumed when lonely nights get even more hunting. She will not be happy to hear those.

I promised her I will get better. The transition is the best way. I was just caught off guard to had allowed myself to be the victim. And it got too much. I want to be okay. I am certainly on the way to Rehab.

First Day

So, I decided to get back to writing. I had enough coffee for today. The cold spell suddenly vanished, I wonder why. When I crawled back to my bed this morning I knew something was up. It's going to break. The foundation in which I thought was just my frigid hallucinations.
I had never written a single word to her since I moved here. I thought I will be fine with it. Then I felt empty. I have to go back.