Just Shake it Off

    I don't know if it's just the weather or maybe I'm just really tired, or bored but I seriously I don't like it.


   Or maybe the hormones, because 'hurray!" I had successfully managed to wean Sasha. The boobie habit has come to a close only perhaps a few nights when he gets really cranky but good heavens I feel my own body belongs to me once again. My little sweet boy is such an active and curious little pumpkin who needs constant supervision because he likes climbing a lot ( i.e our cooker, I think he wants to cook his own food now , lol)  and most of the time I find myself grasping for air. Mind you, he still not walking yet ( which is a worry and a delight at the same time). Motherhood is in a different level to me right now. I enjoy our playtime before bed when he embraces me, bites my tummy or eat my hair. Haha. He's the sweetest little piece of me wrapped in cotton candy. He loves his Mama and can't sleep without her sweet embrace. But of course there were days when his crying can just blow my brains out. Taking care of a child eventhough you love him in a million little ways is still hard work. People looking in thinks it's such an easy job. Those people without kids may automatically assume that SAHM ( stay at home mom) do nothing all day but eat and sleep. If you are one of them, I am kinda hating you right now. Really.

     I wish everything is easy as it seems and glamorous even. But if you are planning to have kids soon sorry to break it up to you but there's so many things you need to give up and I hope you are ready.

     Every day I try to be a superwoman. Juggling to make the house clean, take care of myself - physically, meantally, spiritually otherwise I might jump from the 25th floor any minute and of course look after and give the best to my child. The hours are endless and unpredictable. I have no regrets for this choice I make because this is my dream. I always wanted this but getting a little help would be fantastic instead of the judgment. I wish my mom was still alive. I wish she can give me advice about so many things I am so confused about. All things motherhood and marriage with all love and understanding.


        Lately everything can tear me up easily. A quick comment about my skin, or how I feed my child or how I love fitness. I normally just keep quiet or share my feelings to the husband and pray but these days nothing works. I feel bad and my mood is ruined. I feel a dark cloud suddenly cast over my blue sky. I feel heavy and cry in the bathroom. What is wrong?

         Then I revere and open my book where I find answers. I pour my heart out and sing. This dark clouds will disappear. He will lift them up. I realized when I stopped reflecting as often as I can I lost track of who I am. He changed me and so why this old me keeps bugging me now?

       The enemy keeps telling me how I am not good enough to my child and to my husband. And it breaks my heart. And how my imperfections are being magnified by the husband reprimanding  me of my inefficiencies at times. I feel alone. Helpless. Why suddenly I mean nothing. The voice is loud and it's ringing in my ears.

          So I pray. And I will pray more.
           God is good and He sees me differently. It's only him to whom I am accounted for. It's only HIM I need to impress and only HIM I should rely for my worth.

          We cannot expect everyone to be like us morever understand us or believe in our dreams. We cannot assume everybody or those whom we loved will be our biggest supporters or cheerleaders. Oftentimes they can be our worst critic and destroy us from the inside and that's why there's God. Those people are only human, He is infinite. He is our Father, he loves me differently, like a mom loves his child.

         I understand now this crying phase should stop. It's not helping me to become the best version of myself. It doesn't serve as a Godly example to my child. So next time the harsh words come in, they will fall on deaf ears.

AMEN.