It's been weeks since we left Manila. But my baby is still in the process of getting to know everyone even his dad. He finds our tiny apartment too tiny to explore his curiosity. No more long walker walks in the hard pebble- floors to pick some leaves and chase the dogs wailing aimlessly at our front porch. No more sounds of birds greeting him in the morning when he wakes up and that distinct smell of fresh air and stale food whenever we forget something to store in the fridge. I wonder how my little eight-month old is coping with change.
Mom has a different story. It's been a year since I received my last paycheck. Although I certainly feel that I am now in my own body I still feel like I am living someone else's life. I am not saying it's a bad thing. Sometimes it just gets too overwhelming. Like setting priorities and expectations, setting goals and chasing dreams: old and new. There's so many things to consider first, and get approval of before heading forward.
This period of adjustment is like coming to your first day at school when you're in highschool. I want to be cool. I want to fit-in. I want to be the excellent mom and this gorgeous wife with her waif figure. I want to be admired and accepted for the new and the old me. I am still getting in the process of knowing myself all over again.
Last week, we went out to meet some of his old friends from his old workplace where we both used to work. I was not the type to get over-excited to meet some new folks but that time I felt like I need to prove something. His friends know me from his stories but they never met me. He's got lots of female friends and acquiantances and somehow it makes me feel conscious to present myself. Sometimes I can't help but overanalyze why he chose me. There's so many gorgeous young women out there from where he's from and from all over the world who could be wishing he's not yet married and that thought kinda leaves a gnawing feeling inside me. Sort of a shadow of doubt starts to creep in. How can I keep up with them? Is this even right to feel this way?
I am happy to be a new mom. I am happy to be married. But the pressure of both can sometimes leave me hanging at the edge of the cliff. What else needs to be done? Am I missing something here?
I decided to read more and get myself more educated and in-the know even when I spend most of my waking ( and sometimes my sleeping) hours feeding and changing diapers. I cannot slack off. I cannot be lost with the tides rolling by with youth. While the rest around me is spinning with the glam and glitz of just being able to provide for their own.
I don't like not having my own money. But I can't leave my child crying for mommy all day long. It's a hard choice to make.
Mom has a different story. It's been a year since I received my last paycheck. Although I certainly feel that I am now in my own body I still feel like I am living someone else's life. I am not saying it's a bad thing. Sometimes it just gets too overwhelming. Like setting priorities and expectations, setting goals and chasing dreams: old and new. There's so many things to consider first, and get approval of before heading forward.
This period of adjustment is like coming to your first day at school when you're in highschool. I want to be cool. I want to fit-in. I want to be the excellent mom and this gorgeous wife with her waif figure. I want to be admired and accepted for the new and the old me. I am still getting in the process of knowing myself all over again.
Last week, we went out to meet some of his old friends from his old workplace where we both used to work. I was not the type to get over-excited to meet some new folks but that time I felt like I need to prove something. His friends know me from his stories but they never met me. He's got lots of female friends and acquiantances and somehow it makes me feel conscious to present myself. Sometimes I can't help but overanalyze why he chose me. There's so many gorgeous young women out there from where he's from and from all over the world who could be wishing he's not yet married and that thought kinda leaves a gnawing feeling inside me. Sort of a shadow of doubt starts to creep in. How can I keep up with them? Is this even right to feel this way?
I am happy to be a new mom. I am happy to be married. But the pressure of both can sometimes leave me hanging at the edge of the cliff. What else needs to be done? Am I missing something here?
I decided to read more and get myself more educated and in-the know even when I spend most of my waking ( and sometimes my sleeping) hours feeding and changing diapers. I cannot slack off. I cannot be lost with the tides rolling by with youth. While the rest around me is spinning with the glam and glitz of just being able to provide for their own.
I don't like not having my own money. But I can't leave my child crying for mommy all day long. It's a hard choice to make.
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