There's nothing special about her, only that she can crack a joke any minute and you will instantly fall in-love with her. She gazed at me with those dark eyes with her pearly whites as she narrated another hilarious story. I wonder why she never gets tired of talking and laughing at the same time. And yet somehow her insurmountable amount of energy made a 14-hour flight easier to bear.
She's just happy. All the time. Even when every time is not pleasant. I see courage , a high amount of that in her. Even when not everything is perfect she's trying to make the most of it, ALL THE TIME.
I have never felt threatened or jealous for such a long time. I thought all those days of insecurity are gone for good. Just when I thought the hidden skeletons in the closet were buried down, they came back to haunt me.
A long time ago, which felt like a hundred years down memory lane I was playing hide-and-seek with a friend. She comes every night to tell lies in my head. She fills my imagination with crazy images that will certainly drive me over the edge.It just so happened that most of them were real, or just happened to come true. Her voice was screaming strongly in my head when I caught my ex-lover having numerous affairs while I was gone busy with work. When a strenuous relationship ends the ugly fragments of that seems to stick like stain in my perfectly ironed white skirt. It's hard to remove the side effects of a bad medicine and when the symptoms came back I was caught off guard to face it.
I can't sleep. I can't think. I can't eat well. I was shaking all over. Like some heavy dark clouds literally shadowing my perfect blue sky. What is going on?
At work, where everyone preach Rihanna "shine bright like a diamond!" I ended up working so hard that I got lost track of how much pressure I am putting myself in. I settled my account before where I used to think that everything is a race and a competition only a few days back I felt like I can never accept a second place. I got weary. I got irritated. I was not happy.
When a significant other missed to call or send a message I simply went ballistic. I allowed myself to be tormented by doubts. I wallow in self-pity and obsessive questioning what went wrong down there. My insides went upside-down. In an instant, my dark days- where all hell broke loose came back to ruin me. I cried myself asking God to deliver me again from this mess. I don't want pain to replace the peace I have worked hard to achieve. I don't want to find myself again going through the motions of a broken heart, because I know it's harder to mend a broken spirit; the punches and the bruises can heal in days while a spirit can take months or forever.
Suddenly as I prayed intently and wrestled with my negative thoughts I began to catch some sleep. The voice I hear at night will not be right all the time. She can trick me anytime she wants. It can just be the enemy whispering her usual evil.
I realized that only my relationship with God can help me fight with my own devils.
"Truly he is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken."- Psalm 62:6
Everyone is unique. I may not be the best from the other's point of view but I will always strive to be the best for myself. It's stressful to always compete and try to please others when the simple task is only make sure I am alright on my own and that I am being true to myself.
It's hard to trust someone when you've been in that road before and got disappointed. I know I have to invest more faith and pray that if God has given me the opportunity to be loved again He too, will make sure everything will work out for the best. I don't need to be scared. I have to spread my wings and open my eyes when I reach higher grounds.
So I'm trying to get back on my feet, teaching myself again that It's alright. It's going to be alright and shutting up the lies spoken by the enemy.
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