I don't know exactly how to start this post. There's just so many things in my mind right now and I get the habit of over analyzing things. I just know that I need to write, it's my primary outlet.
Things have changed dramatically since this year arrived. Everything seems so intense in every way. There were a lot surprises that have caught me off-guard and changes that seems so inevitable.
I spent the New Year alone in my room. From my window I watched the fireworks coming from the famous Burj Al Arab, from the Burj Khalifa, and from my own Atlantis. An hour before that I was happy being with the company of someone, whom I thought I would spend a million Christmases, New years, Birthdays and the works. But the cracks started to appear even more intensely right after that night in fact. My phone was undeniably busy as I send my love and regards to all the people close to my heart. I never even consider that it would be the last time I would greet my Mom Happy New Year. Who would have thought it would be her last year.
I am trying to discuss a point here. Just when I finally proclaimed that I have everything figured out and my plan is going perfectly, then it just turns out to be not. There's always a Higher Power above us who would approve what's best for us.
She got well after her battle from leukemia. Eight months to be exact until it came back to knock her down completely. I guess the most painful thing somebody can experience is see her loved-one suffer and you cannot do anything to help. When she asked me to come home as I break down in tears in my locker room I knew right then that it was IT. It breaks my heart to know that she will not be there anymore in our special occasions and her thoughtfulness just to make sure everybody's alright.
Although as we know, Life Goes On and she wants us to, I can't help but wish to just hold her one last time again and again. She's in a better place now where there is no hurt, no painful blood-transfusion, needles and a cocktail of pills. It's just hard to let go.
When a love relationship ends it sure is a battle. Somebody wants to work it out because of the intensity and the gravity of memories you had together. But when the person stop loving the other and he decided to stay only out of respect somehow I see it unfair. It's hard being always the giver, the one who is obliged to understand. It's exhausting to forgive and forget until your braincells go in coma. You know deep in your heart you deserve better and you still dream of that happiness with someone who really gets you. Maybe the reason as well why it's hard to let go of that relationship because it was your only point of reference. You never wanted anybody else before. And sure you thought he was everything you dream of until you wake up from the horrible nightmare.
And then a new day came and I realized I had enough of our love-hate tug-of-war and the unreliability of his promises. Is he going to let me down again, or do you think this time he 's going to make it? It's just so frustrating. So you go face to face with the devil and tell him to f**k off.
And then Life Goes On. I am in a better place now where there is no more sleepless nights, lipstick stains and nail polish bottles. I believe in the abundance of the universe and I can make it on my own. It was hard at first but everything worth having is hard in the beginning anyway or something like that.
When you're young and inexperienced and too ideal you just tend to loose the sight of what's real. We tend to follow our hearts too much instead of what is logic.
But there's one thing that I discovered. As I go through life in my solo state, I still feel like I am not walking alone. I am comfortable. In fact we can fall in- love with somebody we cannot see, we' re not speaking to in a daily basis, somebody we cannot have but we can OWN only in our little worlds of fantasy before reality sets in again.
I learned that to be able to really experience love and happiness in one you just have to really let go and never let anything or anybody hold you back. Savor every moment, experience that peace and faith you have with yourself.
It's all in the mind. So guard your thoughts. Everything is going to be alright. We can stay in-love for as long as you want to, you're my state of Bliss.--self
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