For the most part of October, I came home to an empty flat. Cold, lifeless and light less. The deafening silence creeps me out that my imagination starts to run wild in the wrong way. I usually ends up turning the radio to its highest level until no slight of foreign sound will ever catch my ears. When it gets worse, I feel like just jumping out of the balcony. I do prefer to have a flatmate but I wish I'm just living with my cousins or a family member. I haven't talked or seen my flatmate for more than 3 weeks now. Her door is always shut and she sneaks during the wee hours. I'd rather fly nonstop than feel the hollowness of loneliness in this house.
Today, after a movie and some catching up with some old friends I can't believe how things change so dramatically for the past few months. For the first time, I just felt so certain about so many things in my life. Things do happen for a reason. Sometimes it leaves us hurt then later on we figured it's just for the best. Old lovers remain old and forgotten and forgiven, old dreams never die, and dead loved-ones will always stay alive as I wait for the day of resurrection and reunion. I am full of joy while tears won't stop running down my cheeks. Sometimes I just want to freeze time, to just push the PAUSE button and take the words that has been spoken. I want to stretch time somehow though, to believe in forever and never-ending joy. I wanted my childhood back so much it breaks my heart how much I long to be with my Mom and just replay those moments when we're just all together, with my brothers and my Dad in our house where laughter used to thunder every single night. Now that we're all adults, separated by career, family responsibilities and perhaps destiny I just can't help but ponder on those happy days. I wanted us to just be close-knight like before. I don't want to let the years pass by us getting used to not seeing and spending time together as one family. Life is short so why not spend most of it with people who matter the world to us.
I miss home.
I want to be with my Dad.
And it's going to be Christmas soon.
In this life temptation is quite inevitable. One day you bump into someone whom you are so physically attracted to, sometimes you just share a table with a stranger and you feel like you've known each other for years. You blush and you started imagining things. Until a strong voice came right into your ears reminding you of what is right. You're lucky to have what you have right now. You've come a long way to feel this way again. To feel right, to do right and it's just right to do everything to nourish the magic you found. You don't get lucky all the time. And besides, there's no returning to past hurts and disappointments no matter how tricky that past seems to be. Once a cheater always a cheater. And lying for me is a great crime. Honesty is vital in any relationship both in love and business. Giving you my word is like giving you my heart in a silver platter. I guess for me, once I made up my mind in love or in some major decisions in life that's it. When it's over it just is, and when I decided to put my faith to the unknown and let my heart do the thinking I just let it, and unguarded. I am a risk-taker. I love adventure. However, I don't forget to put on my harness in case my hands slipped on the way up.
I feel so thankful for the amazing works of God who changed me for the better. I could have stayed there in that hole rotting in misery, not going anywhere. And now here I am --after a dozen storms and heartaches, is beaming with hope, love and strength for the rest of my future. I don't feel sorry for the No's I have given to some who tried to win me over since they did not prove their worth anyway and I don't feel apologetic for the person I have become. I worked hard. I cried an ocean and I continue to give my best. And here inside my pinkish heart you will find nothing but good intentions.
I constantly pray for my loved-ones safety and happiness.
I constantly pray that somehow how I live my life can inspire someone.
Good day all!
XOXO
skinnyGirl
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