Maybe it's not so bad. Maybe my fractured heart can still beat for someone else completely different from what I have in mind. The heart can be tricky sometimes. But it's the eyes that captures first and his scent comes after. I could get lost in oblivion just by looking. And how he speaks resembles a lullaby in my ear.

You are tall and slender but I can feel the emerging muscles when you hold me. You hair never falls in place. It gives me the impression that you haven't taken shower for days and yet it still appeals to me. How do you manage to smell good? it lingers longer than it should. Your crooked smile is so inviting. I wonder if you will snap into becoming a werewolf any minute because your beard starts to cover the beautiful outlines of your face. Your lashes needs no threading they are lovely when you blink. You play the piano like all the michaels I know. Your husky voice, your slightly irritating accent I am held like a prisoner of your charm.

You are your own sun, I quote. Warm, and tends to brush off the dark shadows in the day. You don't possess neither cold when I invite you in. And there are certain things that I am able to share only with you. Is this love? I haven't figured out yet. 'Coz the last time I checked I felt like falling from a cliff....

in-love

“Bring on the Shackles, I am your Prisoner"

I don’t know what came over me. There couldn’t be any Romeo throwing pebbles through my window especially at this ungodly hour. No sun just the lights coming from the trucks and the workers disturbing the day before the sun rises. And yet I was hearing some unfathomable noise at the left side of my bed. I was trying to ignore it but then after a few attempts I did surrender. Rain? “This couldn’t be… the large drops of water hitting my window pane” Then I slide my arm and push away the curtain and open the glass just to confirm if my hand will get wet. In great disbelief, it sure did. This time of the year, it was raining. Dad was right, the weather got amnesia.

The night was longer when I finally decided to get up after the rain stopped at what time I have no idea. Yesterday was pure bliss. You have realized you reached nirvana. You have finally reached the state of pure equanimity. No doubt there is really a God. The wound has now become a scar that will fade eventually as time goes by. There is more than what meets the eye. My hand trembles and my heart skipped a bit. What a perfect creature, the image continues to dwell in my mind.

I have never known happiness and eternal joy without pain. The thunder rolls in his deafening silence and kept its secret hidden when it used to haunt me. I learned to get by and got used to seizing the day with more hope. The sun will be up every day. Winter has bid its goodbye. The excitement and the voices I hear could be a great start. “You just know it. They were seventeen and I was twenty-one. His eyes were green too, but the other was sharp and lifeless”.

”I wonder where I will see you again. It has been a year. And yet your slightly irritating accent I still vividly remember “

I curled up like a ball as I waited my phone to ring. Please don’t let the other give me the hint. Again. I don’t like to be rejected and being at the receiving end cuts like a knife between your belly. How many times do I have to mention there isn’t a tad of chance. I am not it. And save the heart for another major surgery for someone else.

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Ninefiftyfour.

I am lost

60s

Inside your head

I've been spending a lot of time reading blogs of different people and hardly ever have the time to update mine. I've recently borrowed a lot of books since I started feeling like I don't have the usual drive to write anymore. That is just BAD. To make matters worse I hardly even touch my books anymore. Sure I get through a few pages and that's it and mostly ends up watching movies online and watching Glee re-runs. The art thing takes a halt as well. What is wrong with me?

Work excites me and the prospect of a new life arriving soon. But coming to an empty home for a while now sometimes gets a little bit lonely. I should not be surprised why my Dad couldn't sleep unless I call. I love my new place but my freaking schedule just doesn't allow me yet to invite some friends over for a bottle of wine and some serious girl-bonding.

My sudden change of lifestyle somehow drifted me away from some chaotic habits and led me to a more positive direction. I got more involved in the church and reaching out, and finally finding my voice and re-establishing a brand new relationship with God. It's almost a year now since my dear Mom passed on. And not a single day passes by without me missing her. It's like everyday is a just another first day of her being away. My faith is my strength and my light. And this awesome level of peace that I finally found is totally non-negotiable. I would not trade it with anything else.

There's these two guys from work who wouldn't give up. Time and time again they will try over and over to win me over even when I made it clear that I am just not interested. But I certainly feel like I want to be in a relationship again. The only thing is, finding the one that is right is really hard work nowadays. Most of the time just because I see it everyday here in Dubai, being in a committed and loving relationship is impossible to find here. I don't know where is. But somehow I started to believe it can still happen. I don't know how but as I told you I am just lifting everything up to Him.

It's officially the longest winter ever. And it's just painful. How many sandstorm do we still have to endure so we can finally have summer? Seriously, this is no fun anymore. I go out wearing cotton dress in the morning and ends up almost frozen at night when I reach home.

March is almost over and April is coming soon.

Can't wait to come home soon. You have no idea how I am feeling.