Sunday, May 29, 2011
You said I have things my friends don't have. That should be enough for me.
I don't want to compare myself to anyone. You should not tell me what I should just deserve.
I cling to your image and the smile that almost took me away. But when you drive through my path you were as if walking on eggshells. There you go again, fading, fading away...
I don't want to compare myself to anyone. You should not tell me what I should just deserve.
I cling to your image and the smile that almost took me away. But when you drive through my path you were as if walking on eggshells. There you go again, fading, fading away...
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Early Arrival
Five thirty in the morning, the lobby was empty and yet it's as if I was not alone. The magnificent glass sculpture Dale Chihuly was shut off to conserve energy so inevitably you can hear any slight sound in the marble lobby. I dread night shift. It makes me lazy. I hardly accomplish anything in the morning for the vampire in me just sleeps through the day. And yet this time around I prefer to stay awake in the night. More than six-hundred arrivals for the next day. I had my almost 12-hour sleep the whole day and two gigantic cups of coffee to keep me energized for the battle. They all left me to do their assigned chores while I stayed focus on my latest craze of inquiry: what happens when we die?
I've been currently getting obsessed with life after death. My friends told me to let it go and just live like a normal person. But I cannot help wondering what happens when the soul is separated from the body? Anyway as the morning slowly creeps in something was strange. I turned around and found no one else but my own shadow. But after like a minute or two, it hit me again. Someone was there behind the door. A strong presence screaming for attention. I stayed looking at it until a strong smell of dead flowers and candles fill my nostrils. I closed my eyes and just let go of the thought. I would be happy to see her anyway.
Day off came like eternity already lapse. An old friend told me something happened to him that early morning around half past five. He said he saw a woman standing right next to his nightstand looking at him. She stayed there for awhile until the sun came peeking through his curtains. She looks familiar until he saw her photos tucked in one of my books I lend him a month before. " I think it was your mother, I don't know what she wants, but she did not scare me. She was not angry nor sad, maybe she just want me to tell you she's just right here".
"Well then, I'm glad, there's no need to be sad".
If I have only known, I will stay where she was. Moving on is hard and remembering is torture.
I've been currently getting obsessed with life after death. My friends told me to let it go and just live like a normal person. But I cannot help wondering what happens when the soul is separated from the body? Anyway as the morning slowly creeps in something was strange. I turned around and found no one else but my own shadow. But after like a minute or two, it hit me again. Someone was there behind the door. A strong presence screaming for attention. I stayed looking at it until a strong smell of dead flowers and candles fill my nostrils. I closed my eyes and just let go of the thought. I would be happy to see her anyway.
Day off came like eternity already lapse. An old friend told me something happened to him that early morning around half past five. He said he saw a woman standing right next to his nightstand looking at him. She stayed there for awhile until the sun came peeking through his curtains. She looks familiar until he saw her photos tucked in one of my books I lend him a month before. " I think it was your mother, I don't know what she wants, but she did not scare me. She was not angry nor sad, maybe she just want me to tell you she's just right here".
"Well then, I'm glad, there's no need to be sad".
If I have only known, I will stay where she was. Moving on is hard and remembering is torture.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Wonder When You'll Miss Me
"Just don't forget to count your blessing", I always hear that from her. One of the things that I miss, is her thoughtfulness. She never miss anything. And by far, she is the strongest woman I have ever known in my life. Sometimes I wish I am as tough as her, not this vulnerable child always wanting to be liked. I miss her terribly each day. Morbid as it sounds, I still watch her videos in my computer. When I sleep at night I just think about her as having a grand vacation somewhere in the Caribbean in which we will meet anytime soon. She is in a better place now. I just hope that she's missing me as well.
I am thankful for each day. It unfolds a lot of promises and surprises that just take my breath away. I never thought that a single innocent message from a stranger can just pull the plug out of my daily misery battles. And a sweet smile from a colleague can just brighten up my mood. And when lost words and old messages from a friend can just bring smile to my face in an instant.
I lost the appetite to eat and be on the go. I shredded a few pounds and my back hurts in the morning. I need to start getting my life back. She will not be happy to see me like this. I am learning to accept the things that we don't have the remote to control. God never sleeps. I know He hears me.
You don't really know what you've got 'til you lose it. I promised myself to live each day as if tomorrow is not going to come. I will never live in regrets. And I will just live with my daily prayers and let hope be the last thing to die in my life.
I am thankful for each day. It unfolds a lot of promises and surprises that just take my breath away. I never thought that a single innocent message from a stranger can just pull the plug out of my daily misery battles. And a sweet smile from a colleague can just brighten up my mood. And when lost words and old messages from a friend can just bring smile to my face in an instant.
I lost the appetite to eat and be on the go. I shredded a few pounds and my back hurts in the morning. I need to start getting my life back. She will not be happy to see me like this. I am learning to accept the things that we don't have the remote to control. God never sleeps. I know He hears me.
You don't really know what you've got 'til you lose it. I promised myself to live each day as if tomorrow is not going to come. I will never live in regrets. And I will just live with my daily prayers and let hope be the last thing to die in my life.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
As I Watched You Sleep
These feelings I can’t shake no more
These feelings are running out the door
I can feel it falling down
And I’m not coming back around
These feelings I can’t take no more
This emptiness in the bottom drawer
It’s getting harder to pretend
And I’m not coming back around again
Remember when…
I remember when it was together till the end
Now I’m alone again
Where do I begin?
I cried a little bit
You died a little bit
Please say there’s no regrets
And say you won’t forget
But I’m not lost
I’m not gone
I haven’t forgot
These feelings I can’t shake no more
These feelings are running out the door
I can feel it falling down
And I’m not coming back around
These feelings I can’t take no more
This emptiness in the bottom drawer
It’s getting harder to pretend
And I’m not coming back around again
Remember when…
That was then
Now it’s the end
I’m not coming back
I can’t pretend
Remember When
Remember When, Avril Lavigne
Monday, May 16, 2011
How Much Do I Owe You?
I did not ask for shelter for I already have one. Stop offering me those arms for they will be gone again tomorrow. Don't ever say you know what I am going through for you will never be where I am. And stop questioning me when will I be okay because even myself would like to know the answer. I don't want to stay where you are. You never tell the truth. For whatever you do, the lies just feeds me and it will never be the same again.
The warmth of your body didn't give me what I need. For they belong to someone else and they will belong to somebody again one day after you finish with each of them. Your house breeds the past that you will never confess. Again, I waited so just let me have my suitcase back. I have ran out of words to say because I lost energy to fight with you. It's pointless. It's a waste of time. We both know where you've been. Your Russian concubines will stay where they are. You will never ran out of supply. You don't have to worry about that.
I will never be good enough for you and you are no good for me. You stand firm in the dark and you hold no reservation for me. So you can stop pretending now and let our last curtain call falls. You left before and I know you will leave again.
The warmth of your body didn't give me what I need. For they belong to someone else and they will belong to somebody again one day after you finish with each of them. Your house breeds the past that you will never confess. Again, I waited so just let me have my suitcase back. I have ran out of words to say because I lost energy to fight with you. It's pointless. It's a waste of time. We both know where you've been. Your Russian concubines will stay where they are. You will never ran out of supply. You don't have to worry about that.
I will never be good enough for you and you are no good for me. You stand firm in the dark and you hold no reservation for me. So you can stop pretending now and let our last curtain call falls. You left before and I know you will leave again.
Saturday, May 14, 2011
It's Hard To Walk Away
The sun came up, the final day arrived. As much as I don't want to talk about it I just couldn't run away from it. It follows me like a three-year old tugging along my sundress. As much as I try to ignore it,the more the sound grows louder. The beauty of the day slowly vanish as I try to slower down the movements. I know in my heart I have no choice but to come back. And only God knows how much it hurts me to leave the Only person I truly got. My bruised self all-defeated tried to fight as exhaustion took over me. The 10-hour flight almost left me lifeless as my chest throbs with pain and agony. I know someone might be waiting for me at the arrival and yet I feel the guilt of having forgotten how it used to be my worst.
I slowly tried to find comfort and solace from the sound of heartbeats. I tried to appreciate the little love they pour over like tiny droplets of rain. I know I couldn't bring her back and my sadness will not make her hear me now. I saw my father in every loneliness around me. I feel my mother's suffering in every acid attack I encounter from my anxiety. My headache comes to worse whenever I try to deny tears, whenever I imagine she won't be there anymore. It's a big loss, a different kind of heartache. When a lover leaves it hurts for awhile but losing someone so dear, that their love will never measure to anyone else how could you ever live the same? How long will it take for acceptance to have sitting comfortably at your feet?
Some people pass by just to play a role. The lucky ones stay since the beginning until God decides you can finally make it on your own even when you try to beg Him for more time. You will try to find all the right reasons until you succumb to nothingness of reality. Others pass by like milk with a definite expiry date. As much as you try to lengthen it's shelf life, once you drink it you just know it's just not gonna make it. Throw the carton away and buy new milk. There's plenty more in the store. And there are some that come and go. They are rather confusing. They stay and then escape like a maniac from the prison cell and yet when you need them they will come for rescue in a matter of fifteen minutes no matter where they are. They even stay to divert your loneliness away. You plead to God in the end that this is not another "too good to be true" case. I cannot take another heartache. Have a little mercy on my sanity.
In the end, I have to face the day. Work brings alot of stories and opens new horizons. I still have tons of things to accomplish and just forget about the doors that won't open and people who won't open up. Something, someone, somewhere out there will unlock them. Right now, I just have to let this night pass by without the havoc of discomfort and pray to God that tomorrow will finally bring my smile back.
I slowly tried to find comfort and solace from the sound of heartbeats. I tried to appreciate the little love they pour over like tiny droplets of rain. I know I couldn't bring her back and my sadness will not make her hear me now. I saw my father in every loneliness around me. I feel my mother's suffering in every acid attack I encounter from my anxiety. My headache comes to worse whenever I try to deny tears, whenever I imagine she won't be there anymore. It's a big loss, a different kind of heartache. When a lover leaves it hurts for awhile but losing someone so dear, that their love will never measure to anyone else how could you ever live the same? How long will it take for acceptance to have sitting comfortably at your feet?
Some people pass by just to play a role. The lucky ones stay since the beginning until God decides you can finally make it on your own even when you try to beg Him for more time. You will try to find all the right reasons until you succumb to nothingness of reality. Others pass by like milk with a definite expiry date. As much as you try to lengthen it's shelf life, once you drink it you just know it's just not gonna make it. Throw the carton away and buy new milk. There's plenty more in the store. And there are some that come and go. They are rather confusing. They stay and then escape like a maniac from the prison cell and yet when you need them they will come for rescue in a matter of fifteen minutes no matter where they are. They even stay to divert your loneliness away. You plead to God in the end that this is not another "too good to be true" case. I cannot take another heartache. Have a little mercy on my sanity.
In the end, I have to face the day. Work brings alot of stories and opens new horizons. I still have tons of things to accomplish and just forget about the doors that won't open and people who won't open up. Something, someone, somewhere out there will unlock them. Right now, I just have to let this night pass by without the havoc of discomfort and pray to God that tomorrow will finally bring my smile back.
Monday, May 9, 2011
To make sure none followed where you led
I used my hair to cover our tracks.
Sun set on the island of our bed
night rose
eating echoes
and we were beached there, in tangles of flicker,
candles whispering at our driftwood backs.
Your eyes above me
afraid of the promises I might keep
regretting the truth we did say
less than the lie we didn't,
I went in deep, I went in deep,
to fight the past for you .
Now we both know
sorrows are the seeds of loving.
Now we both know I will live and
I will die for this love.
SHANTARAM, P.336
Gregory David Roberts
I used my hair to cover our tracks.
Sun set on the island of our bed
night rose
eating echoes
and we were beached there, in tangles of flicker,
candles whispering at our driftwood backs.
Your eyes above me
afraid of the promises I might keep
regretting the truth we did say
less than the lie we didn't,
I went in deep, I went in deep,
to fight the past for you .
Now we both know
sorrows are the seeds of loving.
Now we both know I will live and
I will die for this love.
SHANTARAM, P.336
Gregory David Roberts
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Coming Home
One day seems like a hundred years of solitude. And I could hear nothing but the sound of silence and my yearning to scream. I started to give up asking why. I grew tired of trying to sleep, eat or try to be okay. I will, but not now.
I was surprised to hear the sound of the engine at three in the morning. Somebody came for rescue as I started to lose control. Although I knew it was coming I just thought I had enough time. Sometimes you just don't know what to expect. And sometimes you just have to face the inevitable.
I spent eight hours to wait to eight o'clock and still here I am still waiting, but this time for twelve noon flight. The familiarity of this airport brings tons of good memories however this time it's just another sad story.
I was surprised to hear the sound of the engine at three in the morning. Somebody came for rescue as I started to lose control. Although I knew it was coming I just thought I had enough time. Sometimes you just don't know what to expect. And sometimes you just have to face the inevitable.
I spent eight hours to wait to eight o'clock and still here I am still waiting, but this time for twelve noon flight. The familiarity of this airport brings tons of good memories however this time it's just another sad story.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Wait for Me
I cried my eyes out
another ditch in the road.
I tried to hold on tighter but still
it slipped away.
I bought a thousand blankets to
cover me for the night for it just
so cold without you.
I want to arrive early I want to fly now.
I float helplessly as my friends picked
me up from the ground
I could hardly speak nor see the day
I just want to arrive now.
It happens quickly like a mille-second
of happiness been robbed from my
hands and the tears flowing
down my face I just don't understand why.
It's sad day.
It's not mine.
Wait for me
I am coming home tonight.
another ditch in the road.
I tried to hold on tighter but still
it slipped away.
I bought a thousand blankets to
cover me for the night for it just
so cold without you.
I want to arrive early I want to fly now.
I float helplessly as my friends picked
me up from the ground
I could hardly speak nor see the day
I just want to arrive now.
It happens quickly like a mille-second
of happiness been robbed from my
hands and the tears flowing
down my face I just don't understand why.
It's sad day.
It's not mine.
Wait for me
I am coming home tonight.
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